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Post by smaug on May 11, 2009 7:22:17 GMT -5
Hello everybody. Okay before I go any further I just want to explain a couple of things. Despite the title of this thread, the prologue isn't actually here. This is because I wanted to know if people would give, honest feedback and opinions before I bother posting it. I'm aware this is going to sounds very emo ::puts on some god awful Linken Park and writes very bad poetry about shallow pain and suffering:: it's a little frustrating when I'm trying to hone my skills further very is very tight lipped (come on my writings not that bad ) So I'm asking if I do post it here, will you guys give me some honest, heart felt feedback? Righto, now that I'm done and I'll write some emo thoughts for your amusement. IF LIFES SO FAIR WHY DO ROSES HAVE THORNS! < Yep, an emo said that to me. P.S. Lisajane, the above does not apply to you. Because you've been a star, here have some Karma
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Post by Raihor on May 11, 2009 10:19:29 GMT -5
I lol'd at the emo thing!
But you should know already that any comments I give are heart-felt and honest.
But I must tell you something very important. It's about publication rights; if you intend on getting this novel published, it is a REALLY good idea to not post it on the public internet. If it were private, no problems, but publishers tend to get iffy about something that's already publically available for free.
Of course, I'm pretty certain this doesn't apply to just small sections, but it is an important thing that should be said.
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Post by smaug on May 11, 2009 10:39:36 GMT -5
I know that Raihor, here have some karma What I was considering it just showing the prologue and once I got some feedback, delete the post. That way it's as if it never existed
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Post by Raihor on May 11, 2009 11:28:50 GMT -5
Bloody genius! Go for it :3
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Post by missbobby on May 11, 2009 12:00:21 GMT -5
I like I've mentioned this to you before Smaug, I'd be happy to give suggestions on any of your stuf fif you like but I honestly don't know how useful I can be given that i haven't actually read Broken Sky yet... But if you want help I'm still up for it
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Post by lisajane on May 11, 2009 21:12:56 GMT -5
What I was considering it just showing the prologue and once I got some feedback, delete the post. That way it's as if it never existed That doesn't work if Google caches the page before you delete it. Yay, karma!
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Post by smaug on May 12, 2009 2:23:24 GMT -5
Welcome Lisa, I'll just delete the post with the prologue in it. Anyway, what were you thoughts on the prologue itself? Unsurprisingly, I've actually re-edited the prologue to include things like the chant and all that jazz, though I think there are a couple of sentences that could be tighter... But anyway one reading this, please give me some feedback. I'll give you karma < shameless bribe.
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Post by shyviolet on May 12, 2009 4:18:41 GMT -5
Well, the first thing I noticed was that there are a couple of grammar mistakes, but those are easily fixed. In a couple of places you've used it's in the possessive sense, so it should be its. There are two sentences that don't quite make sense, the one about the two fires that can show the beast and the very last one. Presumably that's stuff that you just missed though.
So... Important things like content and style. Is the beast the protagonist or antagonist? If it's the antagonist I'd advise against showing us its thought process so early in the book. Personally I always find this sort of villain works better when their thoughts are concealed, at least to begin with. If you're planning to reveal its thoughts all the way through I think they need to be a little more coherent. It seems a bit sleepy at the moment. If you're planning on this being the only time the reader encounters its brain then it's probably fine as it is.
It's difficult to make a judgement on the style or the overall content without knowing a bit more about your target audience, what sort of age group are you writing for? Can you give us a little synopsis of the rest of the book? Maybe just the blurb you'd put on the back cover?
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Post by smaug on May 12, 2009 5:21:30 GMT -5
Well, the first thing I noticed was that there are a couple of grammar mistakes, but those are easily fixed. In a couple of places you've used it's in the possessive sense, so it should be its. There are two sentences that don't quite make sense, the one about the two fires that can show the beast and the very last one. Presumably that's stuff that you just missed though. So... Important things like content and style. Is the beast the protagonist or antagonist? If it's the antagonist I'd advise against showing us its thought process so early in the book. Personally I always find this sort of villain works better when their thoughts are concealed, at least to begin with. If you're planning to reveal its thoughts all the way through I think they need to be a little more coherent. It seems a bit sleepy at the moment. If you're planning on this being the only time the reader encounters its brain then it's probably fine as it is. It's difficult to make a judgement on the style or the overall content without knowing a bit more about your target audience, what sort of age group are you writing for? Can you give us a little synopsis of the rest of the book? Maybe just the blurb you'd put on the back cover? Ah that is brilliant Shy Yeah, I noticed the sentence thing after you mentioned it. That was because I've been editing and some of the tattered remnants reminded. I'll correct that. Also, I actually did mention the target audience in the beginning of the post, but I'll say it agin. The book is aimed for 12 and above. As for the creature's thoughts. Yes, this is probably the only time you see into it's mind and thoughts, but yes the writing could be tightened. The creature will be later revealed as the main antagonist. As stated, this scene was never originally in the book, I only wrote it yesterday. I decided to introduce the creature in the beginning to engage the reader's excitement. I would love to put the whole book here for you all to read unfortunately I can't do that, for very obvious reasons. But, I may be able to write a blurb for you. But other then those points (well made points), did you enjoy it? And here be the karma I promised. Thanks again.
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Post by shyviolet on May 12, 2009 5:44:44 GMT -5
Oh, so you did. Sorry, this happens to me a lot when I read large blocks of text on a computer screen. I had to read the prologue itself twice to make sure I hadn't skipped something by accident. Hmm... did I enjoy it? Knowing that it's aimed at 12-year-olds... I'd say yes. If you plan to reveal the beast as the antagonist later I'd still advise you to tighten up its thoughts a bit. It seems a little too contented and sluggish at the moment. An easy way to do it would be to remove all of the looks into its head except the very last one where it senses the time is right. The first one, where it wakes up, makes it seem a little slow. Other than that, it seems fine. All the other problems I have with it a purely a matter of personal taste, so I wouldn't want you to change it based on them.
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Post by smaug on May 12, 2009 15:16:32 GMT -5
I'm curious to know what those other problems are Shy. Maybe is a case of personal taste, but it's still good to hear them so I can consider them. Who knows I may agree with you and didn't realise that something was present that way < vague discription.
Anyone else have any thoughts?
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Post by shyviolet on May 12, 2009 15:38:14 GMT -5
Okay, but I really think these aren't things you should worry about. I have no idea if they could be generalised to other readers. Even when I was 12 I would have found the chant more interesting if it were in a made-up language. I thought things like that in English were insulting my intelligence, since the sacrifice, location and title of the beast make it clearly evil. My friends were never bothered by it though, so it might just be me. The descriptions of the creatures just made me imagine actual animals, so I had toads sacrificing a mouse. If that was your intention I'd prefer they were just called animals like in Redwall or the Deptford Mice series. If they're supposed to be just animal-like then more description to make it clearer would be better. That sort of thing's difficult to judge without the whole plot though. Then there's little things like the word 'Nilf' and saying 'strange markings' instead of something more concrete like runes or inscriptions or something, or the beast needing 'immeasurable pressure' to crush the bones of a creature that sounds like a mouse. Really though, I think those are the sort of things that you should have someone who's read the whole book advise you on, for all I know they're much more appropriate in context. Even if I were a prospective reader picking up the book in a shop I'd have read the blurb first, so I wouldn't be judging it on just the prologue. I hope that's of some help anyway, despite being a fairly personal set of problems.
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Post by missbobby on May 12, 2009 15:56:24 GMT -5
I'm picking it apart as I go along and being as harsh as possible so dont' take offense >P I've corrected a few spelling errors and grammatical stuff that a spell checker or dyslexic person wouldn't pick up on too This might just be because I'm reading it too hard so to speak but I have trouble with the way you break up some of your sentences, especially with commas. i.e. when I read "The grey streets filled with a steady stream of people from all walks of life and culture, who called the city their home." I had to read it twice then try and think about how I'd say it out loud. Obviously it had to be broken up since it's quite an awkwardly long sentence otherwise but it doesn't flow smoothly - maybe you coudl jsut lose a few words here and there? I can list the other sentences that gave me pause as well if you like ^_^ "passed" in the context you've used it in should be "past". And maybe a semi-colon would read better between blackness and past rather than a fullstop, after all you're continuing the same description. personally i woudl have ended the sentence after "labyrinth". "Another was rising with the sun" would make a powerful sentence on it's own. Saying the "conscious thoughts" of humans feels a bit awkward as well to me, probably uneccessary to descibe their thoughts as such since it's irrelevant what our subconcious may know about some great evil dragon >P. "it had long dwelt far beneath city" to "It had long dwelt far beneath the city" "reverberating of the empty walls" to "reverberating off the empty walls" "scrapped" to "scraped" "it could hear the ominous chant" - if I'd read this in a longer piece of text I would be scrolling up to see what I've missed, it feels a bit like the reader should already know about the chanting. Something easier to read might be "it could hear an omnious chant" or something similarly vague... <3 the chant although I'm unsure abotu the phrase 'cultic melody' don't know why just didn't ring true to me :S "slivering" to "slithering". You probably dont' need an 'and' in that list either You don't need a "the" in "the feeble amounts of light..."I hate sentences beginning with 'but'...avoid if possible unless it adds to drama which I don't think it really does here. "reflecting of" to "reflecting off" "two fire" to "two fires" Erg more horrible commas >.< comma central! Kill the commas! Try reading this to yourself out loud pausing where you've put commas, it is very disjointed in places. "bond" to "bound" I'm confused with you saying that the light couldn't pierce the darkness surrounding this beast then the Nilf beholds it in terror...Can we see it or can't we? "dinned" isn't really a noise associated with the crunch a body might make when being crunched up. Brings to mind noisy neighbours and banging pots. Not scary >P "watched at" to "watched as" "collective voicing" to "collective voices" Theres a couple of naughty "it's". Its only EVER has an apostrophe when it means "it is" the possesive form does not apply. "The beast roared, the hall trembling under its power." I think grammatically this is fine but from a readers perspective it feels a bit like it jumps tense. I would have prefered "The beast roared causing the hall ro tremble under its power" or soemthing similar. "it rose it head again" to "it rose its head again" "what it had sense" to "what it had sensed". Although I think this sentence may just work better rephrased. I.e. "It suddenly understood what it had sensed when it first awoke"" for more comfortable tense again "binding" to "biding" Thats pretty much it, hope I was helpful. It's a good intriguing little taster and I'd love to see what happens when your heroes come up against this big scary beast XD
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Post by smaug on May 12, 2009 16:01:59 GMT -5
::Scratches back of head:: Wow... just wow... Missbobby you're a star thank you I'll put those edits in place. Also Shy, those are something idea points... Redwall? God ages since I read that, thanks for reminding me about it Thank you both!
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Post by missbobby on May 12, 2009 16:31:32 GMT -5
Glad to be helpful! Hopefully you can ignore all my own typing errors in that massive post XD
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