setrida
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It's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder.
Posts: 157
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Post by setrida on Feb 17, 2009 1:24:32 GMT -5
Alright, so nobody can say I've claimed to be any sort of great shakes at poetry, but I have to have 5 pieces of writing all done by Friday, so I figured writing a poem couldn't hurt my stress level. Now, though, I would really appreciate some input onto how to make my poem (which, be warned, is supposed to sound sort of like a children's book) not so horrible that it's painful to read. ThunderstormIt starts with a crash With bang, boom, smash Driving you to your bed Driving into your head It lights up the sky As you flee from its eye It crackles and calls out “Fall before my clout!” The windows all rattle As the sky goes to battle You find escape beneath the covers Where childlike safety hovers
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Post by smaug on Feb 17, 2009 4:35:38 GMT -5
Alright, so nobody can say I've claimed to be any sort of great shakes at poetry, but I have to have 5 pieces of writing all done by Friday, so I figured writing a poem couldn't hurt my stress level. Now, though, I would really appreciate some input onto how to make my poem (which, be warned, is supposed to sound sort of like a children's book) not so horrible that it's painful to read. ThunderstormIt starts with a crash With bang, boom, smash Driving you from your bed Driving into your head It lights up the sky As you flee from its eye It crackles and calls out “Fall before my clout!” The windows all rattle As the sky goes to battle You find escape beneath the covers Where childlike safety hovers Heyo Setrida. I've got to be honest... poetry is not my strong point. I generally hate the stuff... so with that in mind, I'm happy to say I didn't hate this (not that that means much.) It has a clear purpose and you impart that really well to the reader. It invoke some simple but strong imagery and it’s rhythms nicely. It also plays nicely to it’s themes of childhood fear and security. If was to level some criticism at it (and please take this with a pinch of salt, because poems are not my strong suit.) I’m not sure you should be addressing the reader. I just get the impression it be a smoother read if it was done in first person narrative. Also, some lines just need to be tweaked a little bit more for flow. Another point would be experimenting (did I spell that right?) with some of the language. Finally there was some confusion, because at the beginning you say “driving you from you bed” and then at the end you say “you find escape beneath the covers.”, which suggests we’re still in the bed. Just something to consider. I’ve put some edits in… see if it helps. It started with a crash Then a bang, boom and smash Driving me to my bed Bringing fear to my head It lights up the sky Causing me to cower before its eye It crackles, thrashes and roars out “Tremble before my fearsome clout!” The windows all rattle As the sky begins to battle But I find escape beneath the covers Where childlike safety hovers Hope that helps. Smaug
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setrida
Full Member
It's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder.
Posts: 157
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Post by setrida on Feb 17, 2009 16:22:50 GMT -5
Thanks for all your help! I did actually mean to say 'driving you to your bed' rather than 'from'. I promise I make a point to avoid writing in oxymorons usually. Anyhow, I actually wrote it in second person to try and avoid the messy conflict of putting a character in the poem, but I'll consider changing it.
Glad to hear I've written a poem that even not-poetic people such as yourself can enjoy!
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Post by zemira on Feb 17, 2009 22:14:14 GMT -5
Actually, I disagree about the view. I think it was better the way Setrida had it. Though, I'm no fan of poetry either. Still, I really enjoyed it. ^_^
The only suggestion I have is the, "It crackles and calls out 'Fall before my clout!'"
For some reason, that part just doesn't work for me. But that's probably just personal preference.
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setrida
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It's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder.
Posts: 157
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Post by setrida on Feb 18, 2009 19:58:20 GMT -5
Alright, so once again I'm trying my hand at poetry for this nonesense that is five peices of writing by the day after tomorrow, so any and all thoughts would be adored and appreciated.
Not Quite Paradise
I followed a rainbow to the end But found only fool’s gold I burned every bridge in sight And still couldn’t pass on history I tried to follow my dreams And was caught in a jet stream I took a plunge into deep water Then barely made it back to shore The world’s head stood under my feet And higher still I wished to climb But once I’d reached the depths My heart’s peace I could not find I bought my Eden at half price Only to be stuck in fine print I clicked my heels and wished Please, no place like home I walked to the end of the Earth To be greeted by yet more pavement I traveled the Seven Seas Yet here I stand before you A blind man paved my way Flightless birds taught me faith They both took my breath away And I’ll fight them ‘till my dying day
ORRR....
‘Till Your Dying Day
Another year has come to pass These sterile walls remain our cage This rigid chair still your desolate oasis I hold only to you
A great fog shrouds my mind Like the smog of the city’s pollution It blinds my eyes and your lies I think only of you
Beeps and murmurs guide my way To your side, where I long to forever stay I cling to each breath of hope I want only for you
The cover of night hides our words Like the smiles hide your fear And as we whisper sweet denial I pray only for you
The breaking dawn shadows the truth And with it comes coffee and smiles For us, from scrubs, smiles to the lost I smile only for you
When the noon sun swelters high It brings a piercing note of final goodbyes Standing by your side as you pass I long only for you
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Post by Raihor on Feb 22, 2009 18:16:12 GMT -5
I like the second one. Mostly because I prefer poetry that doesn't rhyme. I also liked the wording etc. better.
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Post by lisajane on Feb 22, 2009 21:57:59 GMT -5
I liked the second one, it flows better than the first one. But I think the title is a little too corny.
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setrida
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It's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder.
Posts: 157
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Post by setrida on Feb 23, 2009 1:04:32 GMT -5
Thanks! I agree, actually. I really didn't like the first one but I thought I would be needing another poem. Turns out I didn't, so all is well! And on the title.... well, that's not really my strong point....
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Post by Raihor on Feb 23, 2009 11:56:09 GMT -5
Name it after a quote from inside the poem. That's how I name my chapters. Just a suggestion.
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Post by kaiku on Feb 23, 2009 15:04:21 GMT -5
And on the title.... well, that's not really my strong point.... I'm the same, for some reason. I like all of the poems, but ‘Till Your Dying Day is my favourite.
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setrida
Full Member
It's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder.
Posts: 157
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Post by setrida on Feb 23, 2009 20:37:31 GMT -5
Well, merci beaucoup to you all. I already turned in my poems/short stories, but I'll think about a new name for if the editors ask me to revise it.
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Post by Aryeec {E.F. Forester} on Feb 28, 2009 21:15:24 GMT -5
My only suggestion would be not to use 'clout'. Most children wouldn't know what it means.
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Post by Raihor on Mar 1, 2009 9:01:19 GMT -5
I knew what Clout meant when I was a kid...
...that's probably just thanks to my articulate mother though.
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setrida
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It's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder.
Posts: 157
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Post by setrida on Mar 1, 2009 15:23:08 GMT -5
Yeah, same here. But that's probably because I was a nerd even as a little kid. It comes with the whole mom being a teacher thing.
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Post by Aryeec {E.F. Forester} on Mar 1, 2009 15:41:20 GMT -5
Yeah. Ya just gotta keep in mind the audience as a whole.
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