setrida
Full Member
It's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder.
Posts: 157
|
Post by setrida on Nov 3, 2008 17:34:03 GMT -5
Alright, so poetry is the one literary art I am terrible beyond words at, so here's my attempt at a poem. Please, I am begging you to give me constructive criticism. Anything would be appreciated, really. Tell me what of it you like, what of it you don't! My LullabyThe songs they sing, they speak to me Like Fire they burn, they dream for me Misery gives and misery, she collects It’s the little things I barely recollect So strong and fierce it’s greed in need General and Colonel, on me they feed It’s a song that leaks liquid mercury Burns my veins and makes me see Lemon and salt on an open wound Heals and burns, I’m not so doomed Takes to the air like a fish, free to fly To me they’ve never told a single lie A mother’s hold, so soft and kind The things they do, it blows my mind Their words taught me how to endure And now it is all for them I am pure My heart I’ve given willingly away And in their hands it will forever stay Taken in by temptation and lust and woe Onto my life a new purpose they did sew Born of a misery that called from within They had me convinced with but a grin It was screaming that brought me there And it, as well, was what kept me in err
|
|
|
Post by Raihor on Nov 3, 2008 18:17:37 GMT -5
Likes: first 2 lines of verse 1 verse 2 (mostly, see below) THE IMIGARY! AWESOME! Dislikes: Rhyming collects with recollect The fact that is rhyms at all (PERSONAL PREFERENCE, DOES NOT MEAN THIS IS NOT GOOD) "to the air like a fish". Flying fish? eh? rythm sometimes breaks All in all: It has a lot of potential, you just need to hone your skills. Work on finding rhyms that work or write without rhyming, make sure the rythm is consistent. I'm no poetry whiz, but I hope my comment helps
|
|
|
Post by Flight on Nov 3, 2008 18:31:22 GMT -5
Ah - I love it. It has some lovely imagery and rhymes. I really like the first two lines. Not entirely sure what it's about, however.
I don't have long, so I'll come back to this, but I'll see if I can critique it best I can. I'm no good at poems so I'll leave out any suggestions.
The songs they sing, they speak to me Like Fire they burn, they dream for me Love these two lines - although maybe Fire should not be a capital? Misery gives and misery, she collects I think it would flow better without the ', she' part, but that might just be me It’s the little things I barely recollect This line is a little lumpy, especially the last half. It really should be a little shorter, although I can see it's not easy to rhyme collect... So strong and fierce it’s greed in need General and Colonel, on me they feed Some nice internal rhyming. I'm not too sure on what you mean, though, and you may like to have a comma between fierce and it's
But overall, it's very pretty and very striking ^^ I'm probably being too picky
|
|
setrida
Full Member
It's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder.
Posts: 157
|
Post by setrida on Nov 4, 2008 0:50:51 GMT -5
Thanks both of you! Yeah, the Fire being capitalized had to do with where I was first planning to take the poem, but it's probably better if I uncapitalize it now. "takes to the air like a fish" was supposed to be contradicting itself, because my intention was for the whole poem to be speaking about false temptation and falling for charm only to get stuck in something horrible. I don't know if it really came across that way though, because my narrator hasn't really realized their situtation fully. Really, the rest I just wanted other people to figure out themselves. Many of the lines had a personal meaning that really could mean a lot to other people. Thanks so much for your input! I really appreciate it!
|
|
|
Post by Raihor on Nov 4, 2008 14:44:54 GMT -5
I understand that line now, and I think it is excellent! Seriously, stupid me. It's actually an awesome contradiction in terms *slaps forehead*
Anyway, I'm the one being too picky here. I probably shouldn't comment on poetry because I'm not really a poetry fan...
|
|
setrida
Full Member
It's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder.
Posts: 157
|
Post by setrida on Nov 5, 2008 22:21:04 GMT -5
Well, I don't think you were too picky at all. If no one critisized, literature and literary arts would never be furthered, right? And it's those people who don't start out with a bias in favor of my work that I appreciate the most, so thank you!
Anyways, I think sometime soon I might put another poem up for anyone to pick apart and dissect.
|
|
|
Post by Raihor on Nov 6, 2008 11:19:08 GMT -5
^ The above post is profound
I exalted you again, heheh.
|
|
setrida
Full Member
It's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder.
Posts: 157
|
Post by setrida on Nov 6, 2008 17:47:21 GMT -5
Aww, thanks Raihor. And, well, here's another poem just 'cause I'm not really sure what else to do with it. It's really different then the one up at the top of this thread, but whatever. Oh, and I'd love you're opinions on my short stories which would be somewhere else in the Fanfictions/other writings section! Ever After Her heart she gave Her heart she lost Her heart—no place to rest It wasn’t a lullaby Wasn’t a happy ending It was just blown away Closed and forgotten Hoped and discouraged Lost, not found She’d lost her mind Lost her body Lost her soul Story of distress, Disease, and regrets Story to forget Bed of lies To sleep in disaster Bed of horror What a sweet Oh, so terribly sick Sweet ever after
|
|
|
Post by Raihor on Nov 7, 2008 10:52:37 GMT -5
This one I love, a lot. So much that I would swear XD I can't put my finger on it, but something about it makes me go I'd love to hear somebody reading it out loud, if they used the right expression. Edit: I did comment on your short stories. Not very in-depth; I just said I like them, which is true. I like them lots :3
|
|
setrida
Full Member
It's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder.
Posts: 157
|
Post by setrida on Nov 7, 2008 22:07:00 GMT -5
Thank you! Yeah, I like this one better, too. Oh, well, thank you for commenting on those, too! I'm kind of a criticism addict... It's what keeps me writing, so yeah... Haha
|
|
|
Post by Raihor on Nov 8, 2008 10:46:32 GMT -5
If it's criticism you want there's none I can find. Seriously, it is perfect in my eyes!
|
|
setrida
Full Member
It's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder.
Posts: 157
|
Post by setrida on Nov 20, 2008 18:21:15 GMT -5
Haha, thanks ;D
P.J.
His smile was gold, His heart as well He was kind, and sweet The shining knight Any girl’s sweet dream Any guy’s best friend
His eyes were blue Like the ocean tides He could light the room With a wink or a smile He was devoted, faithful Loyal to the last
Only the unconquerable Aren’t always so much Because somehow Someway It only took the rain And a sharp curve To take him away
|
|
|
Post by Raihor on Nov 20, 2008 22:09:12 GMT -5
Not bad at all! Albeit just a tiny bit cliched, but I think that's just me being fussy
|
|
setrida
Full Member
It's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder.
Posts: 157
|
Post by setrida on Nov 20, 2008 22:13:46 GMT -5
Thanks! Yeah... I figured it wasn't fantastic, but the 7th was the two year anniversary of the day the boy who I wrote the poem about passed away, so I figured I'd write something for him.
|
|
|
Post by Raihor on Nov 20, 2008 22:15:29 GMT -5
It's not cliched at all, if it is based upon a true experience. I didn't know...
|
|