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Post by m0n0lith on Jun 25, 2007 20:29:07 GMT -5
i was looking for aplace to post this on here cuz im looking for some critique from some Chris Wooding fans and possibly from Chris himself, and i figured what better place to put it than artwork because i consider Literature an artform :] This is enspired by Broken Sky a lot, so any similarities please don't accuse me of plagiarism cuz they are nto intended to be and i'm almost positive i didn't steal anything directly from Broken Sky anyway here are the first 3 chapters along with teh character drawings please enjoy
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Post by m0n0lith on Jun 25, 2007 20:36:11 GMT -5
Fallen Sun by Tyler Truman Chapter One: Transcendence
Dust rolled and tumbled along the ground barely visible, and completely silent. A young man, in his older teens, ducked behind a bush quickly, the leaves rustling as he made his escape. As the soil sank beneath his previous location the stone made sharp scratching noises as the rocks fell upon one another. Slowly the pit grew wider and wider; a geyser of water sprayed from the ground, saturating the air and from within its boundaries rose a girl, her short pink hair flowed smoothly within the water; the pendant around her neck glowing a bright bluish shade. Her arms began to rise, calling the boy out in some sort of challenge. A twister of wind and leaves and branches slowly surrounded the boy, lifting him off the ground. He tried escaping but to no avail, without being grounded he couldn’t run or jump anywhere. The matured boy cried out in pain, as the wind was so violent it began to form a vacuum, turning old scars into new wounds.
He pulled two metallic rods out of his backpack. Gripping the poles firmly in his hands, he concentrated and the two small jewels embedded in his gauntlets began to glow, changing from a deep blackish shade to neon green, the metal rods melting and morphing into long katana like blades. His scream gained volume as the pain worsened. Finally, gaining control, he managed to escape the twister, landing a good twenty feet away from his adversary. The wind blew over the long clearing, the boy and the pink haired girl standing with nothing near enough to distract them.
His feet barely made a noise as he ran toward her; his blades gripped at his sides. He bounded into the air, during his descent he readied his blades to cut through the girl. Suddenly his swords thrust into a dome of rock and his feet landed soon there after, a look of confusion went across the boy’s face. Before he had any time to counter this defensive marvel, the dome had burst and the boy was shot straight upward. Catching himself, he began to soar back down; he was staring into the soft green eyes of his opponent. Shit he thought, his aim was off and he missed his opponent, but landing his feet scraped the dirt as he swept the girl’s legs with his feet and held his blade to her throat.
She slid under the blades and tripped him, grabbing him with earthly hands. He struggled to get free as the grip tightened; the rocky fists bending and crackling unnaturally around his soft body. The blades he held began to cut into his skin the blood trickled down his hand as he thought of something he could try. The swords began to shrink and bursting upward through the rocky fist they created an exit for the boy. Lunging into the air attempting to put some yardage between himself and the girl, he managed to escape the death grip. Though, now, the girl was in hot pursuit of him The stone sheet that lay beneath her began to react and form a staircase, cracking a splitting with small stones falling as she made her way up the steps.. Reaching the top, she lunged into the air, boosting herself like a rocket with fire trailing behind her. Catching the boy in midair she placed her hand on the boy’s shoulder and let loose an almost lethal amount of volts of electricity.
The boy fell to the ground temporarily paralyzed, his body twitching slightly. His opponent landed over the top of him. She issued a challenge knowing he wouldn’t give up this easily.
“C’mon Jeddah, try and win. I dare you!” she called out to him
He suddenly came back to reality, no longer paralyzed, he turned his sword into a pole and thrust upward launching her off of him. He ran toward her and she ran back to him also. At their meeting point Jeddah’s pole had changed once again into a pair of knuckles. They traded a barrage of punches and kicks at each other. Jeddah connected with a solid punch knocking his opponent to the ground. He then stood over top of her and put a blade to her throat again.
“I… I surrender!” the girl yelled out
“And the winner is, Jeddah!” A man shouted from a distance. As he grew closer, the two fighters looked at each other, soaked in blood. They then looked to the ground and all around them. The clearing they were amidst was blood-soaked; a lone structure stood tall, about three stories, by the road that paralleled the rocky clearing.
“Hey, good job Leanna” Jeddah said as he wiped blood and sweat out of his eyes and away from his forehead.
“You’re only saying that because you won, If I had won you’d be throwing a fit right now!” Leanna responded with a sly grin on her face. Walking up to him, she kissed him on the lips; the taste of blood still present in their mouths.
“I love you, never forget that.” He said pulling away slowly and turned to look at the man that stopped their fight. The sun reflected brightly off of the man’s balding head, his long blackish-brown hair blew in the wind behind the man. His thin face giving Jeddah a blank stare.
“It’s time for school” the old man broke a brief moment of silence. Jeddah looked up at the building they stood beside, his house. Leanna and he entered, being temporarily blinded by the sun reflecting off of the white tiles that lined the walls. The old man followed behind them into the house.
“Bye dad” Jeddah yelled back already having his backpack at hand, the old man watched his son leave hand-in-hand with Leanna.
Jeddah and Leanna walked slowly to school, having brief conversations.
“So, why do you think your dad pushes you so hard to fight, why does he train us so hard?” Leanna asked kicking at the grass that grew with the cracks of the run down sidewalk.
“I honestly don’t know,” Jeddah said kicking an odd shaped rock forward a little bit. “I don’t even know where the jewels we have came from, my dad won’t tell me.”
“Strange.” Leanna responded taking her turn at kicking the rock.
“Yea, but my dad is like that, he has a lot of secrets, I don’t know where he works, he’ll go away for months at a time and not tell me how to reach him or anything, it worries me sometimes.”
“Sorry I didn’t mean to bring up a touchy subject,” Leanna said frowning
“It’s okay. You didn’t know.” He said, grabbing her hand, he then proceeded to kick at the same rock but missed. He nudged Leanna on the shoulder as she chuckled at his failure.
As Jeddah and Leanna arrived at school later that morning, the students were buzzing with rumors as they walked by. The same milk stain had yet to be cleaned off the ceiling tiles and as they entered the classroom they noticed the same poorly washed whiteboard they do everyday; the tiles on the floor discolored from age and their desktops still covered in graffiti. Their lives had become a bit dull, too dependant upon routine, even with the rigorous training, it was still just another part of their scheduled lives.
Taking their seats, Jeddah and Leanna noticed the teacher walking in but being followed by a young man Jeddah had never seen before. He was tall and had hair jet-black, spiked with red tips. His sleek sunglasses, red in color, gleamed off of the sunlight. Jeddah also noted his long black trench coat with red interior. He noticed something odd about the guy also, he wore a spiked collar but it had a jewel in it, a jewel similar to those in Jeddah’s Gauntlets and Leanna’s necklace.
“Class this is Genoa, he’s a new student from um…”the teacher turned to Genoa, “Where did you say you were from again?”
There was a moment of silence then Genoa spoke up. “Haha, does it really matter” he said laughing the question off, “Hey” he said to the class, taking his glasses off to reveal his eyes as cold and blue as sapphires. Genoa walked over and sat next to Jeddah his trench coat clanking as the metal rings and zippers hit the desk seat.. “Hi, your Jeddah right? What’s up?” Genoa said.
Jeddah jumped a little bit in surprise, “Um… hi, do we know one another?”
“Oh, ha ha, no I just saw the seating order up at the teacher’s desk.”
“Oh okay well yea I’m Jeddah, and this is Leanna.”
“HI!” Leanna said waving in a very bubbly manner. Most of the students at this school were clique-dependant, destroying one-another all over a few looks. Jeddah and Leanna were the opposite, they always seemed to get along great with most of the student body and would make no exception with Genoa even with his “Goth” clique appearance.
“So what do you guys do around here, this place is a lot different than where I’m from.”
“Well, uhm, I don’t know, I don’t really do much other than practice fighting, you see my dad pushes me really hard to train.”
“What about you Leanna?”
“Well, uh pretty much the same for me, I hang out with Jeddah a lot. My parents died when I was really young and I lived with an unbearable older sister until I was eighteen, then I moved out. So I’m all on my own unless I spend time with Jeddah. His father drives me just as hard in training, I guess its because his dad doesn’t want Jeddah to marry someone weak.”
“Marry?” Genoa asked twisting his body to a more comfortable position.
“Oh, yea, Jeddah and I have been a couple for quite some time now, since we were freshman, and Jeddah’s dad began training me soon after he realized that Jeddah and I were gonna be together forever”
“That was around our sophomore year.” Jeddah mentioned.
“Anyways,” Leanna tried to continue.
“Anyway.” Jeddah interrupted correcting her.
“Anyway, he gave me this necklace after our first year together. We plan to get married after we graduate from high school.”
“Oh, I see, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude in your personal life.”
“Oh no, don’t be sorry, I don’t mind sharing.”
A few weeks had passed since Genoa first arrived in town, and Jeddah, Leanna and Genoa were headed back to Jeddah’s house after a long day of school.
“So do I get to meet the father that trains you oh so hard?” Genoa asked almost mockingly, following Jeddah into the house.
“Probably, he left on one of his trips the day you arrived at school, he told me he would be coming home today, but as for now I’m gonna go take a shower before my dad gets home. You’re welcome to stay down here and watch some TV if you want.”
“Alright I think I’ll do that.” Genoa said and turned to Leanna “care to join me?”
“Of course” she said happily prompting him to join ehr on the couch by patting one of the cushions.
***
Jeddah wiped the mirror off as he looked in it after getting out of the shower. His long black hair was dripping, saturated, and his soft brown eyes shimmered in the foggy mirror. He pulled clothes out of his backpack and got dressed putting it back on. He went down stairs to find Genoa and Leanna watching cartoons, Genoa was laughing like he had never seen a cartoon before. Jeddah wondered where this kid was from; he was quite odd.
“Do you carry your backpack everywhere with you jeez?”
“It has everything I could ever need in it” Jeddah said laughing. “Anyways,”
“Anyway.” Leanna said correcting him, laughing a bit.
“Anyway!” He said firmly to Leanna then turned his attention back to Genoa. “You wanna see where me and Leanna spar?”
“Leanna and I.” She corrected a second time, he responded by giving her the middle finger but mouthing “Oh I love you too” to her.
“Sure!” Genoa said ecstatically, he jumped up, as did Leanna. Jeddah led the way through his house to the back door, looking through the door he saw something back just beyond the bloody field. Many tall figures stood in the distance tossing, what seemed to be a body,. Upon closer inspection Jeddah began to shutter. The body was his father's, and the figures, they were monstrous. Light glimmered off from long claw-like scythes protruding where hands should be and their skin was a dark red. Jeddah stood in place shuttering and Leanna put her hand in his trying to comfort him in some manner. He pulled away from her, slamming the glass door open and pulled metal disks out of his backpack. He ran towards the monsters, his shoes making a clapping noise as his feet hit the ground. The metal in his hands melted away into saw blades.
He tossed the discs in silence, the blades whirling from his hand with such force it was almost as if you could hear the tendons and ligaments tearing beneath the skin of his arm. Most of the monstrosities managed to avoid to the blades, but one unfortunate creature paying no mind to the boy got a disc in his eye. The creature let out a screech that could be heard for miles. When Jeddah reached the creatures he realized he was in over his head, literally. The creatures stood about thirteen feet tall and were all facing him ready to strike.
Leanna looked to Genoa who stood in awe, then soon found herself running towards where Jeddah had just stormed to. Suddenly the soil beneath the mantises began to shake and then crack and crumble. Spikes of rock shot from the ground impaling some of the creatures. There were still many there and Leanna ran up beside Jeddah. Lightning struck some of the monsters from Leanna’s powers and Jeddah made two long blades and battled as fiercely as he could but the metal began to crack and break.
A creature slashed at Leanna and caught her necklace and ripped it from her neck. Her powers ceased and Jeddah had run out of metal that he could manipulate… they thought this was the end as the creatures loomed overtop of them.
One of the creatures swung his long claw down nearly slicing Jeddah in two. The blade was unexpectedly stopped by some invisible force and Genoa’s body soon phased in, blocking the claw with the pistol he had in hand. Dust swirled around Genoa as he shoved the creature back knocking it off balance. Projecting two bullets in each of the three remaining demons they soon fell followed by no movement at all, they were dead.
Genoa turned around as Jeddah ran by him over to his dead father’s body and fell to his knees; he was crying his eyes out. Jeddah checked for a pulse, there wasn’t one, he screamed out into the air as tears soaked the ground below him..
Leanna looked at Genoa in utter confusion “What the hell were those things, why was Jeddah’s father killed, do you know anything about this?”
Genoa had a serious look on his face “So that was your father after all… I had suspected that since the day I met you. He was a great leader.”
Jeddah snapped his neck around, “Wh-what did you just call him, leader? How the hell do you know my father? What the f**k just happened here!?”
“Well your father is… rather, was, the leader of a resistance group named Fallen Sun. Actually, let me start from the beginning. You and I... are from another world, Jeddah. Your mother died giving birth to you no? She was of this world. Your father, those jewels your gauntlets hold and, Leanna that necklace that Jeddah gave you, are also from the same world that I come from, the world of Larse. The jewels are what clued me in to the fact that you were Makoto’s son. Then you began to describe how you two were being trained and his long trips; I eventually figured it out. Your father, was the leader of a rebellion against the demons inhabiting and well, ruling, our world.
“The demons have taken control of everything. In our world you’re either a servant or a rebel, there is no middle class for people like us. Well my entire purpose of coming to your world was to check on your father, it had been a month or so since he last returned to our world, but now. Well you need to come to our world with me… and Leanna you need to come too, your powers; I’ve never seen anyone control elements in our land before. So… will you two come with me?”
“I… I think I will,” Leanna spoke up “what about you Jeddah?” Leanna was one to be naive about the decisions she made.
“I don’t know, I mean, I’m so confused, how do I know I can even trust you, I mean how can you ask this of me when my father was just killed. And if my father was such a great leader why was he killed by some creatures we easily just destroyed?” Jeddah said while Leanna was picking up her necklace.
“Your father had a disease, he was dying, that must have slowed him down enough that the demons were able to kill him, it’s the only way I can think of. But Jeddah you have to trust me, with your father gone you are probably the one thing that will pull us through and hold the resistance together… please Jeddah, I’m begging you.”
“I still, I don’t know if I can trust you, how do I know you weren’t behind this whole attack, how do I know this world of yours even exists.”
“Jeddah, haven’t you ever wondered why your father gave you these jewels, and entrusted you to give one to Leanna. He must have seen the great potential within Leanna and the bond you shared, he was raising you as a warrior, someone he would be proud to fight along side. Please Jeddah just come with me and I can prove this world exists.”
“I… I guess I’ll go if it will avenge my father.” Jeddah said in response. “I still don’t trust you…” He glared at him both of their eyes filled with resent.
"Okay then…" Genoa’s stern voice echoed as he grabbed their wrists. "Everyone close your eyes." The three of them closed their eyes and when they reopened them...
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Post by m0n0lith on Jun 25, 2007 20:38:32 GMT -5
Chapter Two: Resistance
As they opened their eyes a dark war zone was presented before them; they immediately were able to spot resistance soldiers, using a multitude of techniques, killing demons in their way only to get to the next set of demons. They were failing horribly, the mantis creatures they had fought back in their world were only a small amount of the terror to come.
Bullets whizzed past Jeddah’s head as he stood in the darkness. Blood lay at their feet, along with soldiers, demon and men alike. Carrion riddled the streets; the smell of ash and gunpowder singeing their nostrils as they stepped from corpse to corpse. No sign of sun or moon in sight, just illumination from streetlights and distant buildings.
“C’mon this way” Genoa shouted, grabbing them by the wrist. They ran over the bodies and between buildings avoiding being seen, the streetlights occasionally shining down on them.
A tunnel soon appeared, Genoa led them down into it. It led them towards an underground building. The walls were lined in an odd stone and it seemed to have no electricity. Torches and small glowing rocks lined the ceiling illuminating the lobby. The building was much like a hotel with branches leading out in many direction, each branch leading to a series of rooms. Jeddah touched the wall as he looked around the place, the walls and ceiling were all the same material. As he scraped some of the wall off he rubbed it through his fingers, it seemed like an odd mixture of clay and sand, it was an off white color with no smell. The furniture in the room was less than dull, some of it actually being carved right from the wall, such as the couch that sat in the far left corner.
There were a few people in the building, all minding themselves ignoring the group that had just arrived. One person stood out of the crowd. She had long black hair with metallic green streaks flowing through it. Her dress shirt matched the color of the wall behind her, it was unbuttoned revealing a black tee shirt from beneath it. The chains hanging from her pants chimed as she got up making her way across the room to Genoa. She took her red glasses off to reveal her entrancing hazel eyes. Genoa met her half way and hugged her like it was the first time he had seen her in a long time.
“Ayame! You’ve grown so much!”
“Shut up Genoa, you were only gone for a month and I didn’t grow at all,” she said sticking her tongue out.
“Well I want you to meet someone Ayame,” Genoa said motioning for Jeddah and Leanna to come forward. “This is Leanna and Jeddah, they are other-worlders. Leanna has an amazing power… but I want it to be a surprise.” Genoa chuckled a bit “And Jeddah, does he remind you of anyone.”
“Well…” Ayame said looking at Jeddah with a puzzled look. “Oh… so this is the famed son of Makoto, you look just like him” Jeddah put his head down, tears came to his eyes. “What’s wrong? Did I say something wrong?”
“Ay- Ayame… Makoto, finally succumbed to his disease, somehow the demons were able to open a portal to their world, and it seems he couldn’t fight the disease and the demons at the same… he was killed” Genoa said putting his head down.
“Makoto died?!?” she asked spastically as if it were her own father that died. “How… could he do… this to me? He promised me we’d make it through this together! He swore we’d win this war, and me and him would be standing back to back…” Ayame turned, running to a corner. She stood her arms bracing her against the wall, keeping her from falling. She stared down at her feet tears balling up at the bottom of her eyes.
Just then a young man entered, he was tall with long wavy hair trailing behind him. He walked over to Ayame looking into her eyes with a sudden pause and then remembered what he was there for.
“Naito… what… what is it?” she asked him still shuddering from the news she had received moments ago.
“The job is done Lady Ayame.” Naito said, treating her as if she were royalty. Ayame looked at him, he was dressed dark. He wore a black robe though the material was thin enough you could see through to his black leather vest and a fishnet shirt on underneath that. His pants were baggy and had gray stitching. Judging from his attire you wouldn’t suspect he was even involved in this war.
“Thank you Naito, I appreciate what you’ve done greatly.” Ayame told him as she walked towards him and wrapped her arms around him to give him a hug. He returned the action then turned to Jeddah and Leanna looking at them.
“This is Naito Shisou.” Genoa told them. “He is a Scattore, they are creatures harmed by light, and must feed off of the blood of other inhabitants of this world. They feed using the four canine teeth on their top row of teeth to make puncture wound. This wound is deadly to some creatures but to others, the wound can change them into a scattore. I think I researched mythical creatures of your world similar to the scattore known as vampires?” He said raising a question.
“Um yes, it seems like you described a vampire to a tee.” Jeddah spoke up, his tears now dry.
“Nice to meet you both I trust you will be helping the resistance in the war?” Naito asked them.
“Yes, yes we are but, not to sound rude, if you are a demon of this world, then why are you helping the resistance in this war and not the other demons.” Leanna had responded
“I have my reasons.” He said, quickly glancing away.
“Do you have a place we can sleep perhaps?” Leanna asked wanting to lye down.
Genoa showed them the way. “You will be sharing a room with Naito.” Genoa told them as they entered the dimly lit room. Two of the glowing rocks they had seen before lit the dark walls. There were three beds all looked somewhat uncomfortable.
“What are those?” Leanna asked him pointing to the glowing rocks.
Genoa walked away and didn’t hear Leanna’s question so Naito told them, “They are called Twilight stones, we use them instead of electricity because some of the demons can track electricity and would find our underground home.”
“Not to mention it’d probably be quite a struggle to get electricity running down into here right?” Jeddah asked rhetorically.
“Anyway, if you need darkness then you can just cover the Twilight Stones with some dirt.” Naito told them, they looked around and noticed this floor wasn’t wooden like the main lobby was. This was just packed soil that could be easily dug up to cover the Twilight Stones.
“Well I’m gonna go check this place out before any thing happens, c’mon Leanna.” Jeddah said.
“Um, no I’m tired I think I’m gonna stay here.” Leanna responded. She covered up only one of the Twilight Stones then sat on the bed. She soon shifted her body to a lay. Jeddah left closing the door behind him leaving Leanna alone with Naito. “So… really why are you helping us what are your reasons.”
“I told you I have my reasons” Naito responded sitting his back against the other bed facing Leanna. Not really seeing anything but the glare of the Twilight Stone off of her eyes.
“Tell me, please, I saw you glance at Ayame earlier when you said that.” She piped back at him, then covered her mouth with her hands. “Sorry that was rude.” She frowned.
There was a moment of silence before he finally spoke up. “It’s alright, I… I suppose I do need to get this off of my chest to at least one person. Well I… I love Ayame. One night I was stalking her, getting ready to feed if you will, and I cant remember all the details I was thirsty that night, it has blurred my memory. I know I caught her and something happened after she struggled. Something I’m not sure of, but I know after that night I came here the next day-“
“Wait is there night and day, here I saw no trace of a moon so I didn’t suspect there was sunlight.” Leanna asked cutting him off
“Yes there is night and day the day is lit by our sun and the night has only the illumination from streetlights, but, may I continue?” Leanna nodded and he went on. “I came to her the next day after I had let her go the previous night and offered my helping hand in the resistance, I wasn’t sure why, but I can tell you I’m in this for the long run. So that’s the story that’s why I’m helping the resistance okay.”
“Thank you. Not everyone would come out and tell me something like that. I need rest though so I’m going to go to sleep… goodnight Naito.” She said rolling over closing her eyes.
“Good... night? Strange saying but... a pleasant one. Goodnight Leanna.”
***
Jeddah wandered the halls looking and studying everything he came across. Books lined the hallways; he scanned through them, until he came across one that caught his eye. He pulled it off the shelf and read the cover “Hunting demons: A Stealth War. By: Makoto Frelance.” Jeddah’s eyes began to well up once again and he sat down, putting his back against the wall. He began to open the book to read it when suddenly Genoa tripped over him.
“Oh, Jeddah, I was just on my way out, I could use your help. There is an attack outside of the base, we need to leave and make sure the forces avoid the tunnel and don’t discover this base.”
“Okay let me go get Leanna quick.” He responded lifting himself from the hard ground.
“No time we need to go now, here!” Genoa shot back and tossed Jeddah various metal objects for him to use. They rushed through the tunnel as fast as they could to the battle scene that lay just before them.
They reached it, it was worse than when they first arrived in this strange world. Genoa took off immediately mowing down some of the creatures striking his comrades. Jeddah looked up and noticed that they did have a sun and it was starting to rise. He ran out into the battlefield and carved the metal into a javelin and tossed it into one of the smaller creatures in his view. He ran over and pulled his javelin out of the rabbit like monstrosity with the intent of reusing it, then another creature suddenly snapped it in half. He looked over at the creature and was surprised when he saw that it resembled a human. Only its nails were long, pointy and hard. as if to be claws that could shred most anything. Again the creature swung at Jeddah nearly ripping his face off. Jeddah pulled out a staff of metal and swung slamming the human-like creature in the ribcage.
The creature let out a howl then began to talk to Jeddah =You will never win just give up already= it said holding its side. =But I’m getting bored with you and the boss wanted you back alive,= and as he said that the creature lunged at Jeddah but Jeddah swung the staff again smashing it into the creatures jaw shattering it. It’s jaw was left hanging as it lunged forward again but Jeddah dodged it and hit the creature’s back hard, almost breaking it. The creature stumbled to its knees and grabbed hold of Jeddah around the wrist. Genoa came running over and saw Jeddah in its grip, he went to shoot the creature when both the creature and Jeddah dispersed with the only thing left behind them was a small gray cloud of smoke.
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Post by m0n0lith on Jun 25, 2007 20:43:04 GMT -5
Chapter Three: Escape
Genoa ran over to where the fading puff of smoke was and stood there, in the heat of the entire battle, with monsters surrounding him, he stood there. Then suddenly a snap came at Genoa’s legs. Not even looking like he knew the creature was there; he flawlessly jumped into a back flip and landed on the monster's head. It was a large spider-like creature with razor-like teeth protruding off of their legs to help sweep and scoop up their pray. Genoa realized it was a tribe of these large destroyers coming at him, he just stood on the monster’s head as it struggled to shake him off; he was waiting for the right moment to strike. Then, he jumped into a spiral in the air spinning, as if he could slow down time. He shot at each of the creatures, hitting his mark on all of them. He landed on the one spider-like monster left alive below him and he knelt down on one knee putting the barrel of his gun to the skin of the demon’s head.
“Where’d that pregnant dog take Jeddah?”
=I don’t know, I swear please… please don’t hurt me=
“I apologize, for not believing you.” The sound of the trigger clicked and the firing seemed to go in slow motion as the hammer slammed down igniting the powder tucked away in the back of the gun, letting a bullet fire wildly down the barrel of the gun. It blew a hole through creature’s head, blood spurted out on Genoa’s clothes.
Atop the rotting carrion, he sat perched looking around as he noticed that the decaying demons below him and himself were the only part of the battle left near the tunnel that lead to the base. The battle had moved a couple miles away now.
***
A dark figure’s eyes opened slowly… he saw nothing but black. Surrounding him was what seemed to be never ending darkness. The dark figure tried to get up but couldn’t something was restraining him. He soon realized his arms were restrained as well. He struggled to break free and then screamed the loudest he could to see if any one could hear him. There was a response from a scratchy voice, it was near.
“Hello?” the scratchy voice had replied
“Hi! Who… who are you?” the dark figure asked cautiously
“I… I’m Nibatsu… I’m a member of the resistance I’m guessing you are too since you’re in here.” The voice was less scratchy sounding more awake and aware. Suddenly the light turned on and the dark figure was none other than Jeddah. He was shackled to a wall in what appeared to be an interrogation room. The walls were different shades of gray tiles, along with the floor and the ceiling. There was a table in front of Jeddah and a door on the other side of the table. He looked to Nibatsu after the lights had come on. He had messy dirty blonde hair down to about his eyes all the way around. He had cold green eyes, so cold in fact it felt like they were saying “just leave me alone”. He was dressed in a dark blue jacket with the hood hanging down behind him. He wore dark blue almost black jeans and had dark brown boots on. He wore a Nodachi Katana on his back. He, like Jeddah, was also shackled to the wall. Jeddah wondered why they did not strip Nibatsu of his weapons or himself of his backpack, which he had just noticed the straps of it coming over his shoulders.
“I am in the resistance, I’m a little new to this, I don’t know what region my base is in, but I’m petty sure the leader is Ayame. My name is Jeddah.” Jeddah finally responded to him
“Di… did you say Ayame?” Nibatsu questioned “I used to live in the same base… tell me how is she?”
“She’s doing good,” Jeddah said “This is a pretty nice place for demons to reside in, though I’m probably just profiling them from the mythology of my own world.”
“No, these demons stole this place when they took over… but you’re not from this world?” Nibatsu asked him.
“No, I was born and raised in another world, my father was from here though, I guess he is kind of famous over here for starting the entire war between humans and demons.”
“Wait! Your father is Makoto Frelance?” He asked.
“You could say that.” Jeddah said putting his head down. "He, he passed away recently. A group of demon's killed him."
"oh... wow, Ayame must be crushed." Nibatsu said in response.
"She is."
Jeddah soon realized his shackles were metal but as he started to manipulate them the knob to the door standing before them began to turn and he stopped. The door swung open and the same demon that Jeddah had fought earlier was standing before him.
“Who the hell are you!? Where the hell am I!?” he screamed at the man in front of him, if you could call him a man.
=My identity does not concern you and shouldn’t anyway, but where you are.= The demon paused. =You are in the palace of his mightiest majesty. But I’m here to feed you.= The demon said and kicked Jeddah across the face, blood ran from the cut, as he gave a resentful look towards the demon. Another scar to the collection he thought getting pissed him off, he didn’t find scars very attractive because they reminded him of bad times. While the demon was over treating Nibatsu in a similar fashion, the cuffs around his wrists melted into a puddle of metal beneath him. Jeddah jumped up and punched the demon across the face, it startled the demon for enough time, he let Nibatsu free and they ran as fast as they could out through the door. There were two ways to go Jeddah was confused on what way to go but then Nibatsu spoke up.
“Jeddah this way.” He said running down the left corridor. Then emergency blast doors began to lower. They saw the exit up ahead, Jeddah trailed slightly behind Nibatsu . Nibatsu quickly slid under the last blast door but Jeddah could not make it. Jeddah began to manipulate the metal in front of him but as he soon found out the metal was only an overcoat protecting glass. He punched and kicked the glass as hard as he could but to no avail.
“Nibatsu… tell Ayame I’ll be all right! Now go, get the hell out of here I’ll be fine here by myself.”
“Are… are you sure Jeddah?
“Yes I’m positive now go!” Jeddah yelled making sure he could hear him through the 4 foot of glass between them. Nibatsu just nodded in agreement and ran out the door. Jeddah watched until his blurry silhouette disappeared into the fog. Jeddah looked around he was trapped between the two doors and had nowhere to go. He paused for a moment; he noticed a whole in the Plexiglas and heard something coming his way. It sounded like a strong breeze coming his way. He turned and saw the demon that brought him here was on his way taking his time, disappearing and reappearing between every wall of glass. The man-like creature finally reached him and Jeddah ran up a wall flipping over it and kicking the monster in the back of his head. This fight did not last long though because, as Jeddah kicked the creature, it grabbed his leg disappearing once again..
***
Genoa sat with a worried look on his face. The rest of the base buzzing about around him. His mood becoming more and more depressed as the moments passed by. Ayame walked up to him and asked him what had happened. Genoa explained what happened and Ayame was shocked.
“This is the second time this demon has struck us, Genoa.”
“It is?” Genoa asked in response.
“Yes, it also took Nibatsu while you were on the other side.” She told him with tears coming to her eyes.
Suddenly Nibatsu burst through the door and screamed “Ayame!”
“Ni… Nibatsu?!?” she yelled with excitement “Is that really you!?”
“Yes” he said as he swept her up in his arms giving her an extended hug long awaited. “Your friend Jeddah set me free.”
“Jeddah?” Genoa asked
“Yea, he was placed in the same prison cell as me, I was able to escape because of him. We were running down the hallway when the blast doors came down in that place. Jeddah got stuck behind the last one.”
“How could you leave him there?” Ayame questioned him.
“He… he told me to and to give you the message that he will be okay and that he’ll make it back… I think we should make sure of that.”
“And how could we do that?” Naito asked stepping out of the shadows.
“Well… I know where the palace is that the demon lord lives. We can go and make sure he gets out alive. He saved me now I’m going to make sure I save him.”
“But do we have enough forces to get inside?” Leanna asked “I know that I’m new but I’ve noticed this base isn’t exactly large.”
“We don’t need forces. All we need is us, a small unit to infiltrate them, save Jeddah and maybe take out their leader while we’re at it.” Nibatsu explained. The rest of them nodded in agreement. “We’ll leave tomorrow so do what you need the rest of the day.”
The sun was already coming down and everyone was getting ready. Ayame, now in her room, heard a knock at her door. She went from her bed across the room and opened her door to see that Naito was standing there.
“Um… Ayame… would you… like to uh… go for a walk with me?” Naito asked his pale face becoming rouge. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“Um sure.” Ayame responded. They left knowing there weren’t any battles outside of their base and started to walk. Naito stopped her and turned to look at her.
“Ayame… I… I really like you a lot… in fact I, I’m in love with you, I needed to tell you this incase we die tomorrow.”
Ayame looked up into his dark eyes, black with a white iris. “I.. I don’t know what to say.. except.. well I think I love you too.”
“You do!?” he exclaimed but then cringed “Ahhhh!” he screamed “Ayame… get away the thirst is starting to come up.” But it was too late, he was already holding a tight grip on her shoulders. He moved the hair away from her neck and sunk his teeth deep into her neck drinking her blood.
He shuddered in fear of what he had done. He knew the only way to keep her alive now was to convert her. He slit open his arm and fed her, his own blood her eyes slowly changed to be like his black with a white iris. Her canines elongating. She slowly closed her eyes and fell unconscious. Naito sat with Ayame in his arms, he was crying over the curse he just put upon her. He didn’t want this to happen, but he couldn’t control himself. He stood up, Ayame still in his arms, and began to walk towards the base; wondering, how were the others going to react. He thought about what he was going to do, he figured he’d just walk in and explain everything that had happened. He walked down the hall, it seemed longer than it normally was; he slowly turned the knob and opened the door. No one was in the main room, he felt a sense of relief overtake his body. He gently set Ayame down on the couch that was before him when Nibatsu came out into the main room. He saw Naito standing over Ayame on the couch and rushed over.
“What happened to Ayame?” Nibatsu asked but then saw the four teeth punctures in her neck. “You monster… what the hell have you done to her. I’m going to gut you!” Nibatsu unsheathed his Nodachi and sliced down a Naito. Naito just barely avoided being cut in half. His black eyes threw a glare at Nibatsu, then he charged in. In the blink of an eye, Naito was holding Nibatsu up by his throat with a deathly grip that could choke him to death. Genoa came out of the long hallway extending from the enormous room; he saw Naito and Nibatsu fighting and when Naito held him by his throat he ran over.
“Naito knock it off!” he yelled at him
“Knock what off his head?” Naito said not seeming like himself.
“Naito set him down!” he yelled again. Naito did as he was told and Genoa walked over to them. “Now what the hell are you two fighting over?”
“This bastard bit Ayame!” Nibatsu told him.
Genoa walked over to Ayame and saw the punctures on her neck still bleeding a little, but most of the blood had dried up.
“It was an accident… I… I couldn’t control myself.”
“Bullshit! You wanted her dead!” Nibatsu spoke up.
“No!” Naito piped back “You have no idea how strong the thirst is. I had a chance to kill her twice now and I haven’t.”
“Then what the hell do you call this!”
“She’s not dead! She’s only unconscious.” Naito pulled his arm out from his sleeve and revealed the wound on his wrist. “I fed her my blood, the only thing I could do for her, once I tasted her blood and came back to my senses, was to change her into a Scattore. I’m sorry,” He said lowering his chin to his chest.
“Well as long as she’ll be okay,” Genoa said.
“I still don’t trust him.” Nibatsu muttered under his breath. A couple days went by, they postponed their plans to save Jeddah as they were waiting for Ayame to wake up. Naito checked on her constantly, as did Nibatsu. The two of them butted heads a couple of different times over the three days.
After three days she finally awoke to Naito standing over her with a cup of blood in his hands. “Here drink this.” Naito told her. She took the drink from his hand and sipped it still a little tired.
“This is good what is it?” she asked him
“It’s… it’s my blood.” He told her
Ayame’s eyes opened wide as if to spit out the blood but instead she swallowed. “This… is really good. May I have more?” she asked him
“Have as much as you would like.” Naito told her and held out his arm. She was confused at first with what to do with his arm but soon she found herself sinking her teeth into his arm and drinking his blood.
“Wh… what’s wrong with me, what happened?” she questioned him.
“Well um… you might wanna look in a mirror” he told her standing her up. She walked over to the mirror in the big room and saw her eyes, and then she ran her tongue across her teeth.
“I’m… I’m like you.” She stated.
“Yes… you’ve been asleep for three days. Three nights ago we went for a walk and the thirst; I lost control of myself and I sunk my fangs into you. The only way I could keep you alive was to change you. I’m sorry.”
A smile came over Ayame’s face “It’s okay,” she hugged him and looked into his eyes, dark, like hers now. “I actually kinda like it… the taste of blood has never been so sweet, and I think me and you have never been as closely connected as we are right now…” she trailed off and moved her head in slowly, as did Naito locking their lips in a kiss.
The day became night and the group was ready to go and save Jeddah. Nibatsu lead the way remembering where the castle was. When they got there it was not heavily guarded at all, all of them felt a sense of unease come over them as they entered the seemingly empty metal fortress. They walked up to the main entrance and saw a shadowy figure, its long black hair flowing in the wind. It took a step forward and revealed its self to be Jeddah. His jewels began to glow a bright green as he positioned himself in a fighting stance.
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Post by lisajane on Oct 7, 2007 3:10:44 GMT -5
I've only read the first chapter, but I'm going to give a constructive critique. Take it or leave it but I won't just say 'this is great' like many other posts.
First thing to do on a story online for critique - never say 'this story was inspired by this or that novel'. Bad idea, because if your reader has read the relating book, that's what they're going to see, and they'll think you've ripped it off. This is not a problem for non-Broken Sky readers, but for those who are, you'll need to make this story different enough to stand on its own.
This is despite any remarks that you've not plagurised or stealing from the original book. But the two major Broken Sky-related problems I've seen in the first chapter are:
- change Jeddah's name. Far to close to Jedda.
- the first chapter sounds like a condensed version of Part One to Broken Sky (or first three chapters of the first book), in the same order, with just the major parts: Ryushi and Kia's fight; the jewels which are probably less Broken Sky but did remind me of spirit stones; the weapons; the arrival of Elani and Elani taking them to a new place that they hadn't been before; the attack of the enemy against Banto; Banto being a resistence leader; Banto being killed by the enemy; Ryushi's avergance for Banto...
And those are just the major points I've stumbled across. I would re-work the first scene (from the beginning to where Jeddah and Leanna head to school). That's probably the worst part at sounding Broken Skyish. The rest... I would rewrite, but I'm honestly not sure how you could change it.
Bascially, re-write and not say a relation to Broken Sky.
I don't know about the enemies, but if you're keeping your characters as they are, don't base your enemies on Macaan/Aurin/Jachyra. Take it away from Broken Sky as much as you can.
Edit - I knew that title from somewhere. You'll probably need to change the 'Fallen Sun' title - that's directly from Broken Sky.
I think that's it.
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